A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the 
beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging 
the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the 
shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on 
fire!"

The tri stages of sex in marriage-

  1.Tri-weekly 
  2.Try-weekly 
  3.Try-weakly 

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple
go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. 
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you
can open your robe." 
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you
are so beautiful, let me take your picture." 
Puzzled she asks, "my picture?" 
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next
to my heart forever." 
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the
new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now." 
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaimes, "oh, oh, my,
let me get a picture." 
He beams and asks, "why?" 
She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!" 

It was during a ball at Andrew Jackson's country home that the 
family physician approached Mrs. Jackson to say, "You're 
looking wonderful tonite, Rachel! What keeps you so radiant 
and effervescent?"

"Having such a popular husband, of course."

"Surely there must be more to it than that, madam."

"Well, there's Old Hickory's dickery, doc."

   A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling
   a little frisky,
   reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and
   says,"Mother, if this could give
   milk, we could get rid of the cow." His hand then travels down to her
   crotch, and he says,
   "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."
   His wife then reaches
   over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could
   get rid of your brother.