During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed
a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune
for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he
does."
"I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do
you think was bidding against you?"

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four 
hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland -- "Left",  so they 
turned around and went home.

Two story house

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?
What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' 
and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

How are a blonde's legs like cheese wiz? 

     They're both useless unless they're spread! 

AVOID SOCIAL BLUNDERS WITH THESE HELPFUL WEDDING HINTS:

-  Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

-  Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding?  
   Not if you are the groom.

-  When dancing, never remove undergarments; 
   no matter how hot it is.

-  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds 
   may get you cut.

-  A bridal veil made of window screen is not only 
   cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.

-  For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit 
   with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can 
   create a nice appearance.  Though uncomfortable, 
   say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.