When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons
a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an
entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 

     - Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry 

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

                                                          -- George Bernard Shaw

(speaking of his family's habit of laughing over his father's drunken
escapades)

There was an accident betwen a Thunderbird and a Mustang, 
Horseshit and feathers everywhere.

Morality which is based on ideas, or on an ideal, is an unmitigated evil. 

                                                                    --D.H. Lawrence,

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
       calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the
       doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you
       know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife
       stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After
       that, I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.