Here lies the bones of Screwy Dick,
He spent his whole life with a corkscrew prick,
He searched and he searched in the feudal hunt,
To find the woman with the corkscrew cunt.
He finally found her and then dropped dead,
The son-of-a-bitch had a left hand thread.


Sent by Todd

               A pathetic appellant at Reno 
               Was as chaste as the holy Bambino, 
                    For she'd married a slicker 
                    Who stuck to his liquor 
               And scorned her ripe maraschino

               There once was a midwife of Gaul 
               Who had hardly no business at all. 
                    She cried, "Hell and damnation! 
                    There's no procreation--- 
               God made the French penis too small."

Said an old taxidermist in Burrell, 
               As he skillfully mounted a squirrel, 
                    "This excess of tail is 
                    Obstructive to phallus; 
               One's much better off with a girl." 

There was a young lady named Rose 
                              Who'd occasionally straddle a hose, 
                                        And parade about squirting 
                                        And spouting and spurting, 
                              Pretending she pissed like her beaux 

                              She was seen by her cousin named Anne, 
                              Who improved the original plan. 
                                        She said, "My dear Rose, 
                                        In this lowly old hose 
                              Are all the best parts of a man." 

                              So, avoiding the crude and sadistic, 
                              She frigged in a manner artistic: 
                                        At the height of her pleasure 
                                        She turned up the pressure, 
                              And cried, "Ain't it grand and realistic!" 

                              They soon told the Duchess of Fyfe, 
                              And her crony, the alderman's wife; 
                                        And they found it so pleasing, 
                                        And tickling and teasing 
                              That they washed men right out of their life. 

                              It was tried by the great Mrs. Biddle, 
                              And she said to her husband, "Go fiddle! 
                                        Here's double the fun, 
                                        And you get three in one--- 
                              A ducking, a douche, and a diddle." 

                              It was tried by the dancer, Di Basle, 
                              Whose cunt was just made for a nozzle. 
                                        She said, "I admit 
                                        It's an elegant fit, 
                              But of course it won't do for the arse 'ole." 

                              It was tried by the Duchess of Porter, 
                              And passed on by her to her daughter, 
                                        Who said, "With a leman 
                                        You're fearful of semen, 
                              But a fuck's as effective with water." 

                              Thus writes Lady Vanderbilt-Horsett, 
                              Who invented the Lonely-Maid Corset: 
                                        "I thought all vicarious 
                                        Fucking precarious. 
                              I was wrong. It's a whiz. I endorse it. 

                              Soon in Paris, on the Boulevard Salique, 
                              You sould purchase (complet avec talic, 
                                        Pour soixante francs cinq) 
                                        A short hose and a tank, 
                              And they call it Le Fuckeur Hydraulique.