A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While 
the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on 
his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even 
looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job 
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-
natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his 
wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his 
kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes 
towards heaven and asked:

"Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every 
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, 
who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, 
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and
suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above:

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

What's the difference between women and men?

One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

   Teaching
   The teacher had given the class an assignment.
   He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no
   excuses will be
   accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the
   immediate family (with a
   note from that member).
   A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion,
   sir?"
   The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
   responds with:
   "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
   

why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

breasts don't have eyes

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of 
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government 
of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, 
"It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with 
U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal". 
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public 
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be 
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically" 
accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United 
States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the 
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He 
went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer 
Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times 
the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did 
say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at 
Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be 
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". In 
addition, Gates said, all state and local branch governments will have to renew their licensing
agreements with the new Microsoft Federal Government in order to keep current liberty rights 
intact. "It's not anti-competitive, only acting as any capitalist soverign would toward lesser 
competitors."

When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't
deny that discussions are taking place".

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be 
able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft 
products.

About Microsoft:

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal 
computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services 
for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and 
more  enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free 
society every day.

About the United States:

Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of 
the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered
in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.