On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to 
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all 
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband 
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is 
astonished.  "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are 
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
  
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
  
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to 
my heart forever".
  
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into 
the bathroom to shower.
  
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do 
you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens 
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a 
picture".
  
He beams and asks, "why?"
  
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

   A little kid comes running into the backyard.
   
   He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
   
   "Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
   

Did you hear about the new downhill racing skis the ski resorts are
selling this year?

They are called Lewin-skis.  They are for people who like to go down.

   The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
   commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
   up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in
   the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
   center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white
   cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
   aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
   covered with huge sunglasses.
   At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
   sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
   spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The
   passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
   themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
   reassurance.
   Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
   panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
   and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
   more hysterical.
   Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
   is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
   once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
   airborne.
   Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
   the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
   to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

Woman, "Slow down, foreplay is an art."

Man, "Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon,
      I'm going to spill my paint!"