Two drunks walk into a bar. The first drunk looks at his 

buddy and says "I gotta go use the can." So he wonders off 

to the bathroom and is gone for 5 ... 10... 20 minutes. Well 

his friend gets pissed off and goes in to get him.  He finds

him in there and asks "What the hell are you doing?" The 

first drunk repies "Everytime I flush, something reaches up 

and grabs my balls." The second drunk looks at him and says

"Well ya dumbass, you sittin on the mop bucket"

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he 
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date 
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. 
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might 
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went 
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind 
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a 
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark 
corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would 
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be 
ready Thursday," he said calmly.

   Once upon a time a man was walking down the street. He saw an ancient
   oil lamp in an ash
   can and, thinking of the Aladdin legend, he picked up and rubbed it.
   Sure enough, out
   popped a genie. "Master, I shall now grant you one wish." The man
   spoke, his eyes
   bulging with desire. "I wanna be rock hard and get plenty of ass for
   the rest of my life!"
   The genie obediently turned him into a toilet.
   

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, 
"Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?"
The priest says, "Because I'm a father."
Johnny says, "Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear 
his collar backwards."
The priest says "You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children." 
Johnny says, "You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards." 

In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that 
indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature 
bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing 
firemen's helmets. 

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. 
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind 
the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, 
yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" 

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything 
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the 
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her 
finger at a particular passage. 

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The 
three wise men came from afar.'"