An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room
   everyday. While
   there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's
   penis. One day she goes
   down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another
   women holding his
   penis. "What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a
   large smile on his
   face and replies "Parkinson's"
   

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and
says with a warm smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today." 
"Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?" 
The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three marriages." 
The friend looks at him quizically.
"Seven?" he asks. "I could understand six, but..." 
"What do you think" says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh
Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "For
Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the
GUNS!!!
At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up
the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused the man wrote to
his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His
son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

Question: What's the penalty for bigamy?
Answer: Two mothers-in-law