Osama Cave Memo
===============

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours, but we've really come 
together as a group, and I love that.  Big thanks to Omar for putting 
up the poster that says "There is no I in team," as well as the one that 
says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. 
However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of 
the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns. 
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we 
should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you 
don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave 
daily.  I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. 
Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying 
to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while 
we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. 
Just while we're taping. Thanks. 
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not 
supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, 
especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. 
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" 
on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. 
Consideration. That's all I'm saying. 
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise 
trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for 
them.
First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. 

Love you lots. 
Osama 

What is the meaning of "sanctity"?

It's french, for a lady with five breasts.


Sent by Darrell

    The Letter D Pulls Out

   LETTER D PULLS SPONSORSHIP FROM SESAME STREET
   Noted Consonant Alienated By Controversial New Gay Muppet
   NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the
   consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a
   Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet
   will soon join the show's cast.
   "The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame
   Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said
   Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D
   does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that
   Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new
   character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with
   the show." Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and
   applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter.
   The gay muppet, "Bruce," will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23,
   CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors have
   pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of
   the episode before it makes a decision.
   Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal was motivated
   by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a section of the
   population that employs the letter frequently.
   "D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine, words
   crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition," said Yale
   University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. "It is
   likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment
   of its users."
   While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by Sesame
   Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a number
   of the show's animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip from C to
   E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to match the
   rhythm of the alphabet song.
   Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its longtime
   supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member Cookie Monster said: "Me
   disappointed letter D choose to end relationship with Sesame Street
   due to pressure from extremely vocal minority. We accused of endorsing
   deviant lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral.
   Diversity and enrichment. That's good enough for me." ----------------
   Q: How do you find Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
   A: It's easy, he's the one with the sesame seed buns!

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to 
file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a 
few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. 
and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is 
much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken 
farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a 
whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi

   Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am
   vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a
   restaurant.
   When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most
   chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable
   Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I
   always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a
   catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.
   The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the
   first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small
   moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first
   cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure
   chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand
   not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the
   table. The silverware rattles.
   After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the
   bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever
   transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of
   consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate,
   her presumed partner in all things ecstatic.
   "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?"
   No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife
   in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It
   wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same
   relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I
   wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your
   thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused
   look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and
   then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?"
   Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food
   group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual
   swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex."
   Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly
   adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac.
   Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is
   usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of
   chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry
   truffle and the strawberry nougat.
   Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not
   essential to life as we know it.
   Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply
   one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up
   if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get
   substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face
   of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only
   men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I
   enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate
   that it's on.
   Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to
   pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our
   tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come
   Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I
   can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for
   her. Which is close enough.

   copyright(c) John Scalzi

   John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more
   columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com