John : I don't know what to buy - a cow or a bicycle.
Peter : You will look silly riding a cow.
John : I will look even sillier trying to milk a bicycle.

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the
window, turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes
have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an
answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy
asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said that she had. She then said, "Tell your mother
that Southwest always pulls out on time." 

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper
and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." 

A tourist, visiting a small town in Israel, came upon a statue dedicated 
to "The Unknown Soldier". At the base of the statue, a sign was displayed: 
"Here lies Seymour Ruthenberg".
The tourist inquired of one of the locals how was it possible an unknown 
had a name.
The resident replied, "As a soldier, that Seymour was pretty much unknown, 
but as an accountant-Oy! He was something."

A woman shows up at the white house in a trench coat and scarf and says, 
"I received your emergency phone call, Mrs. Clinton, and came right away, 
but what could "I" possibly do to save the country?"
Mrs. Clinton: "Come inside and let me explain, Mrs. Bobbit..."