(This joke requires the use a small visual.  I'll describe the visual
first, then as I tell the joke I'll cue you when to use it)   
Visual:  Stretch your arms straight out sideways with hands also
stretched wide open.
Joke:  Why did the blonde want to date Jesus?  She heard he was (use
visual) HUNG LIKE THIS!!!!

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, 
"And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a 
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom
& Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry
detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly,
asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very
powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In
fact, it might even kill him." 

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to
talk him out of washing his dog. 

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some
candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 

"Oh, he died," the boy said. 

The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so", said he was
sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use
that detergent on your dog." 

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent
that killed him." 

"Oh? What was it then?" 

"I think it was the spin cycle!" 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Grant's Bar and Casino:

     Liquor in the front, 
     Poker in the rear.