This businessman was walking down the sidewalk when a jet black van 
stopped by him. The guys pulled the man inside, stripped him of all his 
clothes till he was butt naked, threw him back outside, and then slammed 
the door shut taking off.
Five miles later the men look outside and see the businessman running 
right beside the van. The thought "oh well". So they drove on for another 
five miles, and once again they saw the businessman running beside their
van. So this time they pulled over, opened the door, and asked the man, 
"Hey, how can you run so fast?" He replied, "You would to if your dick was 
stuck in the door.

   Nuns First Hot Dog
   Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to
   the other, "I hear
   that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her
   companion replies, "but if
   we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
   Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor
   and they both walk
   toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too
   pleased to oblige and
   he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a
   bench and begin to
   unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers.
   Staring at it for a moment,
   she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part
   did you get?"
   

What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?

"Honey, I'm home!" 

                   American University Grading Procedures
     
   
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:

DEPT OF STATISTICS:
 - All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
 - Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in.  The professor opens the books  and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

DEPT OF HISTORY:
 - All students get the same grade they got last year.

DEPT OF RELEGION:
 - Grade is determined by God.

DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
 - What is a grade?

LAW SCHOOL:
 - Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.

DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
 - Grades are variable.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
 - If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
 - Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
 instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp
 and flat respectively).

DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
 - Everybody gets an A.
  

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.