For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this 
inscription:
"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not 
getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the 
bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve
the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

   Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news
   that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has
   had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to
   celebrate it.
   
   While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells
   them that he is dying of AIDS.
   
   When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer.
   Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
   
   The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother after I'm
   gone!"
   

It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas 
Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off 
so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand 
of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to 
look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon 
another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How 
about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".
This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and 
hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take 
home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?

A. Platoon

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,
but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to
heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to
get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for
them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went
on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to
St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but
now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there
any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter.
"It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry
you. I will never get a lawyer!"