How Shit Happens



In the Beginning was The Plan
And then came the Assumptions
And the Assumptions were without form
And the Plan was completely without substance
And the darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And the Workers spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them,
"It is a container of excrement and it is very strong,
     such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth,
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them,
"It promotes growth and is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This new Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this
     Company, and in these Areas in particular."
And the President looked upon The Plan,
And saw that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.

    A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to
   marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each
   other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we
   go along."
   So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a
   very nice resort.
   So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
   towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck
   gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position,
   where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
   After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the
   towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an
   Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about
   ourselves as we went along."
   So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
   thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out
   of breath.
   He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
   "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
   the canal."

Clinton died and was standing at hte Pearly Gates.  After 
knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes 
there?" inquired St. Peter.

"'It's me, Bill Clinton." 

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter. 

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter. "What bad things did you do on 
earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana 
but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I 
guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that 
against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I 
lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, 
here's the deal.  We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, 
but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period 
of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't abandon all 
hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to 
freeze over."

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart
and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks 
quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took 
five or six pills at once you might." 

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?

A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.