Heather works with a Russian gent who is trying to learn 
the idiomatic phrases of English.  At the end of the workday
another worker always comes in the office and asks if there's 
anything they can do for us before they leave.  A girl jokingly
said once, "Yeah, you can go to the bathroom for me."  The
next day, the Russian gent (trying to fit in) decided to answer
"can we do something for you before we leave?" and he said,
"Yes, take my dick to the bathroom."

In a classified ad: 

    "For rent: Six room hated apartment." 

   One morning following a tiff, I put my pants on too roughly & ripped
   the seam along the fly. I glared at my wife and said "I'll wear these
   today so everyone in the Office will know what I have to put up with."
   
   She said, "No, I'll repair them. I don't want them to know what I have
   to put up with."