"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." 
Woody Allen.

"The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes
they would not be caught dead in otherwise." 

    - Roger Simon 

"An author once told me I must find my muse before I could write.  When I
 finally found her, she was wearing a rubber helmet, a latex catsuit, a very
 tight corset, an armbinder, and ballet-toe boots with seven inch heels.  I
 suspect I am not meant to be a writer."
                        -- Unknown

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." 

     - J. Danforth Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President 

- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman
   arrives.