Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
   They start
   raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for
   they know not what they
   do!" The second one says, "This one does!"
   

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my
right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of
my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get
up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes.
The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I
can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop
and grabs the first man off the street he can find;
it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading
her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes
and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are,
but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!' 

Why do Black widow spiders kill there mates after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts..

   After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their
   Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice
   CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in
   pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each
   a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enuff to
   drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after
   a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her
   towards the bedroom.
   
   "Damn !" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it
   always ends up the same way."

The old man was saying to his doctor,
"You know, Doc, when I was young, it was as hard as a rock. As I got a 
little older, I could bend it a little and now I can bend it alot. Does 
that mean I'm getting stronger?"