Embarrassing moments The following are the top three
   winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.

   1)"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
   release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
   hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
   patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*,
   she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
   in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I
   will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
   "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
   tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
   dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
   thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
   * Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
   2)"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
   but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
   girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after
   making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
   girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we
   didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When
   we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a
   whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts,
   uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there!
   My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment
   for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
   planned a surprise party again." * Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
   3)A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she
   finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had
   no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
   intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON
   LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
   the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for
   "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
   intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
   KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."

He said, "Don't answer it!" 

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it
was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will
merge.

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 
years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the
overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of 
Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, 
we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality 
service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being 
called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking
being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming 
unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the
message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus
and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three
hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave 
milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A
breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be 
Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the
competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all
present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by 
the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a 
hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go 
down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at 
least they would die laughing. 

The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would 
you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick 
against the table?"

The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out 
and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, 
a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were 
the captain and the navigator. 

As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, 
"Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The 
navigator told him.

The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick 
of yours. The torpedo missed!"

If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and
you would get a free set of Ginsu knives.