Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this 
case? 

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. 

Judge: Can't they do without you at work? 

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

A girl goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out...I'm freakin' 
out...my pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.
She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams."
He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there." 

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices
that the oil-pressure light is on.  He gets out to look and sees oil 
dripping out of the motor.  He drives to the nearest town and stops
at the first gas station. 

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around 
town.  He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, 
decides that something cold would really hit the spot.  He gets a
big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat.  Having no hands,
he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.  

After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks 
the mechanic if he's found the problem.  The mechanic looks up and 
says, "It looks like you blew a seal." 

"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Dear Abby:

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until 
one night he came home sober....

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ?

"Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow !"