Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that
he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him,
"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

   A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like
   one of your special
   full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat
   girls reply from behind
   the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man.
   "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply.
   The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look
   like I have snotted
   on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot
   on the top, and
   freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with
   grease, with more rind
   than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease
   trickles in to the snotty egg
   and beans."
   "I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy
   little fat girl.
   "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.
   

    A LIGHTER LOOK AT MARRIAGE 

   Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant
   with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
   other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
   At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
   your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am,
   I married the wrong man."
   Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
   Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree
   and the woman gets her master's.
   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
   married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying
   for it."
   Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
   doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most
   countries, son.
   Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
   until I got married; and then it was too late.
   When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year
   married man looks happy - we wonder why.
   Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the
   man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
   and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the
   neighbors listen.
   After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool
   when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in
   love and didn't notice it."
   A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
   received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
   have mine."
   When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
   one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
   How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your
   laundry done free.
   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
   it once.
   When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
   him keep her. - Sacha Guitry
   Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in
   Europe. - Jackie Mason
   Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
   marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

How do you know when a blonde has been working on your computer?

There's white out on the screen and lipstick on the joystick!

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him 
two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is
$10,000." the clerk said. 
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" 
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." 
"And the other?" said the customer. 
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in
the back room for $30,000." 
"Holy moly! What does that one do?" 
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."