A man finally goes with his wife to church.  The man was so impressed
with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon."  The preacher
says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of 
the Lord".

The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever 
heard."  The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use 
curse words in the Lords house again".  

The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I
placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".  

The preacher says "NO SHIT"?

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-
eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the 
dog up and has a good look at its eyes. 
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" 
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man. 
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.
He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walking
through the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-old
boy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Young
man, you're much too young to smoke!"

The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!"

The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You say
that to *me*, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head of
the Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader for
millions of people, young man, the representative of God,
and you dare to say that to *me*? No, no, no, kid, fuck *YOU*!"

   One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a
   $200 bicycle for his birthday.
   
   Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the
   house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas"
   
   Xmas came around and Johnny asked again.
   
   The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry
   about that. Ask me again some other time."
   
   Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
   with all his belongings in a suitcase.
   
   The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The
   boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say
   that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because
   she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000
   Mortgage!"
   

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an 
Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same 
job and both applicants having the same qualifications were 
asked to take a test by the Department manager. 

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the 
questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you 
for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the 
job."

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 
questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I 
should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decision not on the correct 
answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better 
than the other?"

Manager: "Simple. The American put down on question # 5, 'I 
don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"