Immodest Proposal #1:
                                      
                        Daylight Savings Time Reform
                                      
                 Richard S. Holmes, RICH@suhep.phy.syr.edu
     
   
It happens every spring: crocuses, baseball (with any luck), and the switch to
Daylight Savings Time (DST).

Coming off DST is not hard.  In the Fall, we set our clocks back one hour.  We
all get an extra hour to sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church,
or the airport, or wherever an hour early.  Embarassing, but not catastrophic.

But in the Spring we set the clocks forward, and the trouble begins.  We lose
an hour of sleep.  Forgetful people miss Mass, planes, breakfast, and the big
game on TV.  Some are thrown into disarray for up to a full week.  Annual
losses due to DST confusion have been estimated (by me) at over a million
dollars.  I myself have missed a flight to Washington and a showing of The
Seven Samurai because of DST.

There is no need for such tragic waste.  We can -- we should and must -- urge
our lawmakers to reform Daylight Savings Time as follows:

Setting clocks back is easy; setting them forward is difficult.  Therefore, let
us keep the fall ritual as it is.  However, one Sunday each Spring, let us set
our clocks not one hour forward, but TWENTY-THREE HOURS BACKWARD.

Think of all the advantages.  We will not lose an hour of sleep; we will gain
(almost) a day of rest.  It will be Saturday all over again.  You will never
again miss Confession, or an airplane, or the Redskins game.

Naturally, if this were the whole plan, our calendars would fall behind one day
in each year.  However, the second part of the Revised DST Plan deals with
this.  Every four years, instead of adding a day, let us SUBTRACT THREE DAYS.
Furthermore, let these be Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which according to
recent polls are the least popular days.

If done in February, which seems reasonable considering what a miserable month
it is, this would have the beneficial side effect of shortening the
excruciating presidential primary season by an effective four days.

The advantages of this plan are clear.  Let us waste no time.  With a determine
d
effort we can have Reformed Daylight Savings Time by Spring of next year.

Write your congressperson today!
  

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of 
hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with 
their pinkies and say "Hi there little boy!!"

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always 
wave at him with their pinkies. They reply: "well, that is what size 
we imagine your penis to be... it is just a joke!"

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The 
young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground, sticks all 
his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI 
THERE LADIES!

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in
less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the
scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like
manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

     Sir,
     It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my
     wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday
     next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

     Dear Sir,
     I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the
     scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium. 

A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless 
dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at 
this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give out bloody 
Mary’s."

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at
the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:
"You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after
you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a
snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?"
"Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus."