WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! 

THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal 
Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this 
time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they 
will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the 
United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is 
used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering 
projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the 
Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular 
paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the 
money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps 
mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans 
out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO 
EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

This is not meant to be crude.  It is strictly for your edification and
enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers.  Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to
draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting
in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew."  Much to the
bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began
mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew!  PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture.  Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant
mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at
the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and
thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are
mistakenly thought to
have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the
symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to
show him a trick. 
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife 
Claudia and a table." 
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.
He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts
fucking her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says, 
"That isn't a trick!!!"
The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,
"I know, it's fucking magic."

What do you call a blonde that just came out of the closet?

The Hide and Seek champion of 1992.

A woman participating in a survey was asked
how she felt about condoms. 

She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."