Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good
looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a
pile of cow shit and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm,
"...but is this stool taken?"

A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him 
"How far from the accident were you when it happened?"
He replied "36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"
"Nonsence how can you be so precise"
"Well I knew some bloody fool would ask me so I measured it."

Q: What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?

A: You can eat your Mom's apple pie. 

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and
was climbing into bed when his wife complained,
as usual, "I have a headache." 
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the
bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
You can take it orally or as a suppository,...
it's up to you!" 

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Para-Olympics?

Having arms and legs.