Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

A: Wipe it off and say you're sorry.

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? 

Eveybody can roast beef.

How offensive is that?

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer 
from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and 
sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he 
calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.

Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the 
gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just 
then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with 
his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No 
one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" 

Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls. 
Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There 
he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and 
both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now 
lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of 
the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion 
finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He 
goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of 
the crowd. 

Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, 
"Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?" 

Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh 
nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house 
from here!"

A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking
itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching".
The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya"
So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his 
eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.
The doc finishes and says, "How's that?"
The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?"
The Doc says, "I trimmed back your high boots"

Judi went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation.  The cowboy
preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or
English saddle.

Judi asked what the difference was.

"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."

"Just get the one without the horn.  I don't think
we'll run into too much traffic out here."