An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation
"I now pronounce you man and wife".

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard,
"Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs
were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she
putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. 
I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking
and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided
that I should help. 
It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag. 

A Britt in South Africa was enjoying a ride in his European car when an
American zoomed by in a Corvette.

The Britt cursed, while the Corvette disappeared in the distance. The
American chap however saw an Afrikaner struggling uphill on his stripped
peddle bike. Just the bare essentials and a large bell, thats all the poor
guy had.

He stopped and offered the Afrikaner a lift. "No thank you sir here in
South Africa we don't sit in a car with white folks."

"In that case let me towe you up hill."

They agreed and the Corvette slowly pulled the Afrikaner up hill. Just then
the Britt passed him in his white European car B Leland, no less, and stuck
his middle finger in the air and waved menacingly. The American got mad,
forgot he was towing the Afrikaner, and took off like a lightning bolt.

Going down hill they spotted a Police Car and slowed down some. The Trooper
yanked his mike from the holder and shouted. "Look out for a white British
B Leland followed by a Corvette and an Afrikaner behind ringing the bell
trying to pass both. Lock him up."

Here's a sick one...

So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off
her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum.  The mortician
objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents.  Later, at the coffin
closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a
tear coming from his eye.  She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of a
bitch!"

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above 

"You will live to be 100." 

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100." 

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! 

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe. 

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven. 

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?". 

God said: "I didn't recognize you".