GIRL'S CONFESSION

   The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me and
my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my
bedroom..."
   "Go on, my child," said the priest gently.
   "I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand
on my....on my..."
   "Go on."
   "On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen.
"And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself."
   "Yes, go on," the priest directed.
   "I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,"
the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to
shove it in me so hard..."
   "Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard.
   "And then we heard the front door slam--"
   "Oh, SHIT!!!!

I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted.
I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously 
really angry . He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced 
down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys". 
The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I 
highly resent that remark".
"Why, are you an attorney?"
"No, I'm an asshole."

A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.
He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.

When they're done, he said, "I'm afraid my
Finnish isn't too good."

The hooker replied, "Your foreplay ain't all
that hot either."

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone
spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled
figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages
and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning
on a crutch.

"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did
ye merely jump from the trestle?"

"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of
it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy
himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand,
and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."

"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself,
Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"

"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing
in itself, but not worth a dom in a fight."