Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish and he will sit
in a boat and drink beer all day. 

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. 
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully 
and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing 
what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, 
she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male 
parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes 
one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she 
caught you at it, too."

   Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as
   fast as Rudolph,
   he just couldn't stop as fast.
   

New scientific theories

HONORABLE MENTION:  The quantity of consonants in the English
language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"
his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"
his car and invest in "erl wells."

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert
himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go 
home and show her you're the boss." 

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went
home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and 
growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my 
supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs 
and lay out my clothes.  Tonight I am going out with the boys. 
You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another 
thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."