Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, "My 
name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."

Another guy says, "What's that?"

The first guy says, "That means I am a Single, New Age Guy."

Another one says, "My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.

A girl asks, "What's that?"

He says, "That means I am a Double Income, No Kids."

A lady says, "That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a 
WIFE."

Larry says, "A WIFE? What's a WIFE?"

She says, "That means, "Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better
see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in
the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper
than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and
it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It
only costs $10.00." 
Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine
sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in
the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird
nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small
slip of paper printed. It said: 

You have tennis elbow. 
Soak your arm in warm water,
avoid heavy labor,
it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete
began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and
deposited $10.00. The machinhe again made the usual noise and printed out
the following analysis: 

Your water is hard,
get a softener.
 
Your dog has worms, 
get him shots.
 
Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic.
 
Your wife's pregnant,
it's not yours,
get a lawyer.
 
And if you don't stop jerking off, 
Your tennis elbow will never get better!

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,
trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration.
With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice
stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.
Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers,
more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify
the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher
had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one
of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your
Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth
and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!" 

What can Calista Flockhart do with dental floss?

                         Hang herself.

One day Clinton goes to the bathroom, pulls down his pants,

and much to his amazement, he finds a red ring around his

penis. So the next day he goes to his physician and the doctor

says, "I cant figure out what it is. So I'll give you some 

medicine, and if it doesn't work, come back. Ill give you

something else." So clinton takes the perscription and takes the 

pills as directed and comes back in 2 weeks. The physician 

then hands him a different prescription and he comes back in

3 weeks this time. Then, instead of giving him a prescription

he gives him a small tube-like capsule. The doctor says,"Rub this 

around the offending circle and come back tomorrow. Clinton 

returns the next day and starts shouting, "Wow! That stuff was

terriffic doc! What was thast concoction? It worked great!"

The docter then calmly replied; Lipstick remover.
 
Sent by Bradley