For three years, the young attorney had been taking his
brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the
family than a lawyer!" 

A manager of a restaurant had called its owner to ask
about whether or not she should hire a new waitress.
"She can speak twelve different languages, which will
be good for foreign visitors," said the manager.
"All right, so hire her," the owner replied."But, sir..."
"I knew there would be a but. What's wrong with her?"
"Sir, English isn't one of the twelve languages."

Sent by Christina

Cinderella was all set to go to the huge ball, but she was having a severe 
case of PMS. She was crabby and pissy and moody and generally not in the 
partying spirit. Well, her fairy-godmother again came to her rescue by 
providing Cinderella with a magic tampon. The fairy-godmother said, "Put 
this in and your PMS will be gone. Just remember, you have to be home by 
the stroke of midnight or the magic tampon will turn into a pumpkin and 
that is gonna be painful as hell to get out."
So, off Cinderella went to the ball in a great mood ready to dance the 
night away. Midnight comes and goes, however, and no Cinderella. Her 
fairy-godmother is worried to death. 1..2...3am and no sign of Cinderella. 
Finally she comes home at 4am. The fairy-godmother was distraught. "What 
on earth happened to you?" she said. "What about the magic tampon. I've 
been worried sick about you."
"Oh don't worry," Cinderella replied. "I met this really great guy named 
Peter-Peter."

1)  Got a neighbor that's a real pain in the ass?  Do they have a
    lawn? Do they have a garden that's accessible?  Yes to all the
    above? Great!  Go out and get yourself some grass-killer and fill
    the suckers hose with the stuff.  Then sit back and wait for them
    water their lawn!  Nuff said?

2)  Does the person that you want to get even with drink red wine?  If
    so, have I got one for you!  Get yourself some Neutral Red, a water
    soluble, crystalline, red dye.  Mix some into the persons wine and
    wait for them to take a leak.  (Nuetral Red comes out as red as it
    goes in, and people have a tendancy to get really nervous when they
    start pissing what they think is blood!

3)  (I'm surprised nobody mentioned this one yet.)  Go to a pet shop and
    buy a fancy looking pet collar and leash.  Then, the next time you
    see a dead animal in the road, attach the leash and collar setup
    to its neck.  Attach the whole thing to revengees rear bumper, making
    sure to toss dead animal under the car so it won't be seen.  When
    revengee drives away, chances are he/she will be stopped by either a cop
    or a member of some animal lovers group for draggin some poor defenseless
    pet down the road.  Either way, they are gonna have some awful quick
    explaining to do!

4)  Last, but certainly not least, is a great stink bomb.  This one takes
    a bit of time for preparation, so it's not too good for spontaneous
    revenge.  (But it's worth the time!)  Get a quart jar with a rubber seal.
    (Mason jars work quite well.)  Pour about 1/4 to 1/2 inch of crystal Drano
    along with about an inch or so of warm water into the jar.  Place the
    lid on the jar and allow the mixture to sit in a warm place for about an
    hour.  Take the lid off and add six egg whites, (no yokes).  Add a quarter
    cup of Methylene Blue, then fill the jar to within an inch of the top
    with water.  Seal the jar tightly and allow to sit for four to six weeks.
    (I warned you it takes a while!)  When the 'bomb' is ready to use, you
    can either throw it like a molitov(sp?) cocktail, or shake it up and
    pour the contents out, making damn sure you don't get any on yourself.
    The results have to be seen, or is that smelled, to be beleived!

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright
as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept
of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, 
thinking visual images would help. 
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, 
the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. 
"Now do you understand?" he asked. 
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"