A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's 
couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an 
actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary 
and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a 
sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs 
to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful 
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll 
give it a try!"

   Ventriloquist: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
   Farmer: This dog don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey dog, how's it going?
   Dog: Doin alright
   Farmer: (Extreme look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Dog: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
   takes me to the lake once a week to play.
   Farmer: (Look of disbelief)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?
   Farmer: Horses don't talk!
   Ventriloquist: Hey horse, how's it goin?
   Horse: Cool.
   Farmer: (an even wilder look of shock)
   Ventriloquist: Is this your owner? (pointing at farmer)
   Horse: Yep.
   Ventriloquist: How's he treat you?
   Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
   me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the
   elements.
   Farmer: (total look of amazement)
   Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?
   Farmer: (gesticulating wildly, and hardly able to talk)...... Them
   sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!
   

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great 
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd
take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine 
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the 
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with 
a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts
all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still 
not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano 
solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with 
anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells 
her he has worked out his act. 

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall 
and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to 
rapturous applause...

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to 
the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. 
He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every 
holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you 
my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my 
unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY!  GET OFF THAT 
FUCKING TRACTOR!'"