Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and 
found the boss waiting for him.  "What's the story this time, Jones?" he 
asked sarcastically.  "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.  The wife decided 
to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the 
drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river 
(look, my suit's still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. 
Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was 
carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously 
disappointed.  "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

   A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
   bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
   my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
   pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
   bar,
   and the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
   i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
   bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A patron jups up from mhis
   table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100
   right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The patron takes the
   bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
   "but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy. "The
   hamster is also a ventriloquist."
   

    "Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?"
   inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously
   eyeing her bulging stomach. "Why, no Father," answered the nun
   demurely, "It's just a little gas."
   A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun
   noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of
   gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit.
   On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he
   passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest
   observed, "Cute little Fart!"

                            Safest Way to Drive
     
   
Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road.  Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
  

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?