OMNI Magazine Contest



 These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:

 Grand Prize Winner:

 When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and
 when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered
 side facing down.  I propose to strap buttered toast to the
 back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above
 the ground.  With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed
 monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

 Runners-up:

 If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
 of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
 at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
 produce all the worlds great literary works in Braille.

 Why Yawning Is Contagious:  You yawn to equalize the
 pressure on your eardrums.  This pressure change outside
 your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
 they must yawn to even it out.

 Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
 because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use
 acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.

 The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
 Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
 arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
 trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

 Honorable Mentions:

 Birds take off at sunrise.  On the opposite side of the
 world, they are landing at sunset.  This causes the earth to
 spin on its axis.

 The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is
 that it's easier to go faster when you're always going
 downhill.

 The quantity of consonants in the English language is
 constant.  If omitted in one place, they turn up in another.
 When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate
 southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in
 "erl wells."

Suit Alleges MS Racism
Software Linked Black Couple to Monkeys 

The Associated Press
S A N   D I E G O,   June 30 — A lawsuit accuses Microsoft of including a
“racially-charged” message linking black people to monkeys in its 
Publisher 1998 software. The company has agreed to alter the program. 
     John Elijah, 32, filed the suit Tuesday in San Diego federal court,
claiming users will see images that include a black couple sitting on
monkey bars when they type “monkey” to access pictures of the animal. 
     “I felt the blood rushing out of my whole body,” said Elijah, a black
construction worker who was shown the image by a co-worker. “I was
humiliated.”

Volunteer Fire Department

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire
department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The 
fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, 
so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called.
Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call
was made.

The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.
They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the
flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically
started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the
center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable
parts.

The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work
and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the
volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the
department planned to do with the funds.

"That should be obvious," he responded, "the first thing we're gonna do
is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck."