What's the difference between a whale and a dyke? 

     Oh, about ten pounds, and a plaid shirt. 

A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's 
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"

How do you get a man to do situps?

Glue the TV remote between his ankles...

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: More to the point, what was she doing outside of the kitchen?

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn 
in as American citizens.
"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at 
last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"
"Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook 
dinner and I get on top!"