Version 2:
   
   A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her
   bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter
   playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the Mom.
   
   "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get
   married, so this is pretty much my husband."
   
   The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.
   
   The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and
   upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What
   the hell are you doing?!" he asked.
   
   His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and
   ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to
   a husband."
   
   The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.
   
   The next day the Mother came home to find her husband with a beer in
   one hand and the vibrator sitting next to him, watching the football
   game.
   
   "For Christ's sake, what are you doing?" she cried.
   
   The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a
   beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"
   

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
   strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The
   bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
   and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop
   of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
   (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
   One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
   polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
   the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK,
   grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
   remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned
   to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six
   drops fell into the glass.
   As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000.00, and asked the
   little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a
   weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard
to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it.  So he thought it
would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and
on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the
nearest train station.  After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into
the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home. They had traveled only two
miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to
its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagon
smiled at the woman and continued on thier way.  They traveled only another two
miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon
to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THATS TWO".  He took his seat
beside his new bride and continued on thier way.  After traveling another two
miles the horse stumbled for the third time.  The rancher got out of the wagon
carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes,
saying"THATS THREE". He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say "why
in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk".  The rancher turn to the
woman and said "THATS ONE".

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly 
started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the 
man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" 
"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that 
you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help 
practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy 
replied. "I'm a lawyer. Do ya see me fucking the guy in front of me?" 

A big 300 pound, seven foot brute of a man walked into a bar
one evening and said to the bartender "Give everyone a drink
except that gay guy over there"

About fifteen minutes later he gives the same order, "Give everyone
a drink except that gay guy over there"

The gay guy asks the bartender for two ice cubes. The bartender
asks why, and the gay guy says "I am going to put one in each
cheek, go over there, and cold-cock that big sonofabitch!"