A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in 
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their 
conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says 
the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. 
Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I 
come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country 
we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" 
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to 
spella Mississippi."

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store.  The man said 
to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I 
have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong.  It was my 
old man."
The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll 
sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice 
in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too.  I therefore sentence you both 
to 90 days in jail."

   Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The
   first mouse slams
   down a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into
   one on purpose and as
   it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty
   times." And with that
   he slams another shot.
   The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take
   those Decon
   tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with
   that he slams another
   shot.
   The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first
   two mice look at
   each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell
   are you going?"
   The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
   

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a 
magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. 
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a
guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." 
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. 
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" 
"Absolutely not," he said. 
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." 
"Season's more than half over," he said.

A drill instructor at Airborne school was lecturing a group
of new troops on making a proper jump.  He told them:
"When I yell Stand Up, you Stand Up. When I yell hook up,
you hook up. When you go out the door, yell 'Geronimo!' and 
wait for your shoot to open. Got It?  Good, get in the plane."
After a short flight he yelled "Stand UP! Hook UP!" and began
shoving the troops out the door.  Just after the last trooper
exited, the sergeant shut the door. Suddenly, he heard someone
knocking on the door. He opened it to see a private flapping 
his arms trying to imitate a seagull. The private looked him
in the eye and asked What did you say that SOB's name was?