Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, 
standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks
"What's that mum ? " His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally 
she came up with the following, "That's where your dad accidentially hit 
me with an axe!" and little Harry replies, "Good shot, right in the CUNT!"

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile 
cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under 
it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries 
starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He 
says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat 
us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" 

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot
bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the
windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.
An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and
says he'll give her a ride home.
On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking old
broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass".
She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't due
for 5 more days, so she agrees.
They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and he
says to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would have
offered you $20.00!" 
She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I would
have taken off my pantyhose!" 

    A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
   two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of
   the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of
   the other.
   "So what's going on here?" he asks.
   The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
   trying to make him vomit."
   The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
   THROAT!"
   The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"