La Machine.
...vegetables...vvrrrrr...
La Machine.
...fruits...vvrrrrr...
La Machine.
...little children...No mommy, No!...vvrrrrr...
La Machine. 

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.
 She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect
it. As  she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very
embarrassed,  she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident  and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that
moment. As she turns back,  standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,
"Sir,  how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in
your  pants when you hear what the price is."

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local 
brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. 
the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "cough drops" and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, "What are you doing 
here, m'am?"

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, "Well, 
I can suck em can't I?" 

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his
neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's
his turn to be waited on.

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase
and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked
the dog what it wanted today.

The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,
and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the
butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,
"Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher
said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up
a package of four pork chops.

The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get
at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before
tying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the
dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house
where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, "That's a
really smart dog you have there."

"He's not really all that smart," the owner replied.

"This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

George Costanza's Tips for Working Hard I

Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands. People with documents in their hands look like
hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People
with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the
cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like
they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you
carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating
the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.