Two cab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red 
and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see 
how all the witnesses contradict each other."

"But this isn't an engagement ring." the young lady protested. 
"Why it's just a tiny unset diamond."

"Yeah ! I know." said the fellow, "And, it'll be mounted in a 
cluster around a big one, the very day after you are."

A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't 
have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided tojust go back 
to their new apartment after the wedding.

The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing 
practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, 
and the third a dentist.

They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married 
friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed
so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The 
ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got 
into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled 
and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do.

A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear 
friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the
bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill
the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!" 

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue
across the street from each other. Since their schedules
intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the
street between their establishments. 

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the
priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need
a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was
doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.
He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the
car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe. 

Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.