A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about 
sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything 
they wanted. At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the 
back of the class. 

She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh 
miss!" with his arm pumping.

"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm. Little Johnny 
stood up and proclaimed to the class, "at our house, we have everything."

"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has 
everything."

"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."

"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.

"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, 
and told poppa she was pregnant. That's when my dad said "God, that's all 
we needed."

What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?

The nun has hope in her soul.

"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife 
told her husband.

"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"

"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over 
here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."

Q. Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much?
A. Because she found out what the big boys eat. 

   A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
   getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to
   make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she
   is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay
   with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not
   mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a
   marriage.
   
   Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that
   he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is
   just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay
   with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does
   not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more
   important than sex in a marriage.
   
   They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to
   Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her
   clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his
   clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell
   to the floor.
   
   After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got
   married, why did you still faint?"
   
   The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".
   
   The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".