One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a 
woman gain five pounds.

Q: What do you call a 6.9?
A: A great sex position fucked up by a period!

A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit 
a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.  While
standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this
whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was
only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internal
injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house
attending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears
the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable
lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,
sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."

One neighbor says to the other, "Hey Joe, you have to stop leaving the 
blinds on your bedroom open, I saw you fucking your wife." Joe responds 
"The jokes on you, Stan, I was away on a business trip yesterday."

A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August 
because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.