Are YOU A HARD MAN?

1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?

a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.

2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?

a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".


3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?

a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.

4/. If you break wind during the night do you?

a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.

5/. If she breaks wind do you?

a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.

6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the cunts.

7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and
she's in the bath. Do you?

a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the
shell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.

8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?

a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.

9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?

a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get
pissed.

10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?

a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.

SCORE: a) 1.  b) 2.  c) 3.

0 - 15.  If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29.  You must try harder.
30.  Congrats. You're one of the boys.

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

                              by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

                         from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1



As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that 
present hazards to the general public.  Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area.  This is especially
true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in
an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered
for sale in the United States of America.  Our Suggested list of required
warnings appears below.

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
Between Them.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles per Hour.

Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile.  The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This
Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million
Years.

This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will
Result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.  However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and
Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They
Cannot Be Detected.

Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or
Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
User.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space.  Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.

Because his son wasn't the brightest kid in the world, old Hillbilly Joe 
took him to the outhouse one day to teach him how to urinate properly. 
"Now you lissen good, Dan'l, 'cuz here's whatcha gotta do. One: Take out 
your penie-pipe. 
Two: Pull back the foreskin.
Three: Pee.
Four: Push back your foreskin.
Five: Put your equipment back."
The boy said he understood, but the next day while he was working at his 
still, Joe's wife came running over. "Oh, Joe, Joe, come quick! Dan'l went 
ta piss an' won't come out of the outhouse!"
"Hell, whut's he doin' in there?" Joe said.
I dunno. He jess keeps sayin' "Two-four, two-four, two-four......" 

Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy.  "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a 
problem."
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy
"Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard.  None of the pieces fit 
together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."
He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door.  "Oh thanks for 
coming Paddy."  He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw 
on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake 
Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."

Well the King's daughter was into her mid twenties,
and the king didn't want his princess to be an old maid.
The princess wasn't the most beautiful of women, and
wasn't having any luck finding a suitable husband. The
King finally decided to take matters into his own hand.

He had flyers printed up and posted all over the kingdom,
"who so ever wishes to marry the princess should appear at the
castle at noon, the following Sunday."

Only three suitors arrived at the castle. The king decided
to have a test to determine who would get his daughter's hand.
Each suitor would have to climb the castle wall, swim the moat,
and then have sex with one of the castle's cows. 

The first suitor didn't even make it over the wall.
The second suitor made it over the wall, but couldn't swim the moat.
The third suitor, climbed the wall, swam the moat, fucked the cow,
and wasn't even tired.
The king went up to him, and said "Congratulations, you are the only
one worthy enough to marry my daughter."
And the suitor replied, "Forget your daughter, I want your cow!"