Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in 
walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and
we all got rat-arsed."
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says he will marry
my mum next year."
Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.
In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry my
mum."
The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards 
please pass the salt."

Morris was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.
He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and
a banner that said 'N I L'. 
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns
to The Great Nullity ,The Blessed Emptiness, and The Big Zero in
the Sky. 
Morris turned to a white-robed observer beside him and wispered,
.... ...... "Is Nothing Sacred?"

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if,
after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. 

He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy." 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. 
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on 
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second 
everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't 
ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap 
would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your 
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral 
van for the last 25 years.

How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?

When you find a string in your bloody mary.