Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
   forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
   overwhelming.
   But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
   reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first
   doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."
   But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
   "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

   Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to
   their position in life,
   and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one
   says, "My husband is
   taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then
   looks at the others
   with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just
   bought me a new
   Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number
   three says,
   "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and
   we don't have
   many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my
   husband is that
   fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
   After this, the first one
   looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I
   was just trying to
   impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well,
   it's not to the French
   Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The
   second one says,
   "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
   "Well, I've got a
   confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one
   leg."
   

When I was in college our RA told us of a good one that (supposedly)
some friends had pulled a couple of years earlier.  These two guys made
up a concoction of all kinds of left overs, semi-pureed it in a blender,
and filled a hot water bottle with it.  One of them took the hot water
bottle, taped it to his stomach inside of his shirt and put a short
piece of hose into the top so that it came up to the front of his shirt
collar, but not visible.  They both went to a local pub and sat at the
bar, acting already slightly intoxicated.  After having a couple of beers
the guy with the hot water bottle says that he is feeling sick a couple
of times and "barfs" VERY loudly all over the bar to attract attention.
Naturally this causes the patrons to move away from him, all except his
buddy, who calmy pulls a fork out of his coat pocket and begins EATING
the stuff. ;-)  I don't know how true it is, but I'd love to have been
there watching faces if it was...

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming 
out"?

They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you 
can get them off with one finger!

What two things in the air will get a women pregnant? 

     Her legs.