A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love
and going to get married. He says,  "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm
going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women
into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for
a while.
He then says,"Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."

What is the proper weight for an attorney?

About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting
like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and
asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.
He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing,
Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away
in Chicago."

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo 
rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. 
You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone." The driver of the Yugo 
says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my 
Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."

The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I 
got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, 
says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"

The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there too? I got a bed in 
the back of my Yugo!" Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped 
away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in 
the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed
looked superb, with satin sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce. 
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day.

Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the 
inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, 
he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet. 

"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. 

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?!?!" 

New scientific theories

GRAND PRIZE WINNER:  When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its
feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered
side facing down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat.  When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the
ground, probably into eternity. A "buttered-cat array" could replace
pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and "giant buttered-cat arrays"
could easily allow a high-speed monorail linking New York with Chicago.