How do you tell if you are in a gay church? 
 Only half the congregation is kneeling. 

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice
on the ot other end says, "This is Susan. We met a party
about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? about 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took
me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You
told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went about
20' behind her and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart"?. No reply. 
Moved to 10' and inquired again. No reply. 
5' and not a word. 
A few inches behind ear, he asked "Can you hear me now honey"? 
His wife said "For the fourth time, yes."

What has two legs and bleeds? 

     Half a dog.