What Do you tell a woman with two black eyes ?

    Nothing, you told her twice.

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined
to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped. 

I've got trouble with the wife again - she came into the bar 
looking for me and I asked for her number.

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His 
boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as 
he looked absolutely terrible. "Well..." said the Engineer, "I met 
this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and 
wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we 
ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why 
are your eyes so red ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had 
a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking 
about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see." chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How 
come you still appear so ragged ?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 
times a day for four days and not look like this."

How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?
His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.