A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field
assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls
everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered
"When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro."

The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs
everywhere. When asked why he said "When I get out of here I
going to be a professional baseball player."

The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things,
until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the
middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut
on the end of his penis. The student asked, "I understand about
the others, but what are you going to be when you get out of here?"

"They're never going to let me out of here," the patient
said "I'm f**king nuts!" 

A prostitute goes to the hospital to visit a colleague who is about to 
have a heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the 
doctor: Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body 
rejects the organ?
Doctor: Well she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in 
business?
Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does 
that have to do with anything?
Doctor: Well she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!

Microsoft Market Penetration
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

INTRODUCING CONTRACEPTIVE98 ! ! !

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft
has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It
believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of life.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton
Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the
package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions.
Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client / Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector.

Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,
aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the
package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and
is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must
have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is
complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,
"It is now safe to turn off your partner."

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern
during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious
error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these
have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its
used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a
reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to
its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software,
that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore,
Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera (Peepy Cam).
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98's
potential. He recently said, "Our contraceptive products will help our
customers do to each other what we've been doing to them for years."

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were
shipwrecked on an island.  One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut
tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" 
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed
down. "We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the
same thing.  Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for
himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.  The husband
says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making
love down there!"