A homeless man walks into a diner with enough change for a cup of coffee. 
Seated next to him at the counter, was a well-dressed man with a bowl of 
chili in front of him. A few minutes later, finishing his cup of coffee, 
the homeless man begins to notice that the stranger next to him is not 
eating his chili, but rather just staring at it, looking confused and 
disoriented. Not having eaten in two days, the homeless man asks the 
stranger: "Sir, I'm cold and hungry and haven't eaten in days. If you're 
not going to eat your chili, do you mind if I have it?" With little 
acknowledgement, the stranger simply shoves the bowl in his direction. 
Minutes later, the homeless man, having nearly finished the entire bowl of 
chili, discovers, in the bottom of the bowl - a small pile of dog turds. 
Immediately, the homeless man becomes sick and vomits the chili back into 
the bowl. Finally, the stranger seated next to him turned to him and said 
"I know how you feel, buddy. That's about as far as I got, too."

Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around 
their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys!
Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia.  Put your 
penis' away."

The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't 
worry, we know what we're doing.  Father Porter always likes a couple
cold ones after work...."

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and 
asked to be taken to LaGuardia.  While stuck in the traffic jam,
the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of
adventure?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of
flying there just bores me to tears.  Why not drive me there?
The meeting is only an hour.  I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel
room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow."
The driver said, "Sure, why not?"  and off they went.  
They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana,
and finally into Chicago.  The businessman did his meeting
(while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab 
and they took off to the hotel.  They shared a huge meal, the
businessman paid for two rooms.  The next morning, they 
took off back towards Manhattan.  When they arrived, the 
meter read $4,632.85.
When they got back to the businessman's office, the man
told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you
a certified check.  I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable
tip for your trouble."
"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."
"One last thing.  When I give you the check, I'd like you to 
drive me home, please."
"Where's that?"
"Brooklyn."
"No way!!!  I'd have to drive back over the bridge without a 
passenger!"

                  Politically Correct Feminine Terminology
     
   
from aperreat@saunix.sau.edu:

        Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that you
would offend the person standing near you?...NOT.   Well, if you are, then
here are some alternatives to some popular phrases.

I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.

She is not:                     An airhead
She is:                         Reality Impaired

She is not:                     A Bleached Blond
She is:                         Peroxide Dependant

She is not:                     A babe or chick
She is:                         A Breasted American

She does not have:              Major league hooters
She is:                         Pectorally Superior

She does not have:              A Great Tan
She is:                         Pigmentally Enhanced

You do not want to:             Score or pick her up
You want to:                    Attempt a Horizontal Encounter

She is not:                     A perfect 10
She is:                         Numerically Superior

She does not have:              A great butt
She has:                        A Superior Posterior

If she does not want to get:    Married or hitched
She does not want:              Domestic Incarceration

She is not:                     Half naked
She is:                         Wardrobe Impaired

She does not have:              A perfect body
She is:                         Anatomically Gifted

She is not:                     Drunk or tipsy
She is:                         Chemically Inconvenienced

She is not:                     Small or short
She is:                         Vertically Challenged
  

What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, and
clitorises?

They miss them all.