Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted 
by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service 
from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called 
the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.

"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our 
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said 
the nun.

"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their 
habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still 
tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company 
spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually 
use is 'fucking shovel'".

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
     
NAME:  Greg Bulmash
     
DESIRED POSITION:  Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's 
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying 
here in the first place.
     
DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael 
Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer 
and we can haggle.
     
EDUCATION:  Yes.
     
LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle-management hostility.
     
SALARY:  Less than I'm worth.
     
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection of stolen pens and 
post-it notes.
     
REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked.
    
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
     
PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
     
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but they're better suited to a 
more intimate environment.
    
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?
    
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?:  Of what?
     
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
     
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:  I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse
Sweepstakes.
     
DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.
     
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:  Living in Bimini with 
a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing 
since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
     
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR 
KNOWLEDGE?:  No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
     
SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising.


Sent by Alex

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. 
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other 
and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play 
with!" 

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to come.